There is much to consider, but I will try to keep this brief:
My wife and I (we are the same age-- 46) have been together 10 years, culminating in marriage in Dec. 2008. It was 2nd marriage for both, we each have kids from 1st marriage, none together. We have been faithful and there's no reason nor evidence to suggest that will change.
She chose to renew a singing interest after spending 10 Sundays alone at home while I managed and played in a large area golf league. I urged her to do so, as we live in a remote area-- far from family-- and we have few friends due to the nature of our respective professions (we work separately from home and I travel overnights).
She began looking for gigs 3 years ago and has hooked on-- for the past 18 months-- with a travelling rock band that plays tribute songs to a particular artist. It's a 10-piece band with 4 women, including the wife of the lead singer, who travels with him to every show. They are managed by a talent agent who books gigs for them up and down the east coast and as far west as Ohio (we live in NJ). She is now gone 30-45 weekends a year, with many overnights. I travel 2-3 overnights during the week.
This is a lifestyle change, plain and simple. She is passionate about her singing, but I feel perhaps she is too passionate about this particular band.
I'm a laid-back guy. It's my nature. My wife is very attractive and very friendly-- it works that I am not the jealous type.
Two things that are hurting me, as this has unfolded over a very busy summer:
1. I know she would not accept this, were the situation reversed. She once was bothered by a female customer calling me a "sweetie". Now, I have to listen to her tell her male band mates that she "loves them" and calls them "honey". Early-morning phone calls, late-night text msgs, from band mates... just to talk about set lists and responsibilities and timelines and chords.
2. Had I never mentioned my dissatisfaction with the schedule, it's unlikely she would have. I believe she would play with the band every weekend, and so long as she promises to be faithful than I shouldn't take issue with anything.
I am a hard-working, successful guy who is faithful and considerate. I want my wife to have a great life and enjoy the things that fulfill her emotionally. I am a loving, good looking husband who works and takes pride in his marriage. Our relationship-- both physical and mental-- remains strong at this point, as we have both made commitments to honor the others' feelings and concerns (I tend to be cynical about her fulfilling her end of the bargain, as she has flat-out gotten starry eyed over the prospect of singing being a full-time job... and I know how much she loves the attention and praise-- it's the woman's lifeblood. She will get more from being on-stage than she will from her most devoted husband-- it's almost impossible to compete with that feeling being given to her). For my part, I would like to be less bitter toward her for what I feel are her inconsiderations of my feelings.
To the end: I am simply soliciting opinions from others on how they'd feel. Please be considerate to some fundamentals:
- we do love each other.
- we are faithful.
- I can occupy my own self just fine, thank you.
If you love and are faithful to your wife, and more importantly, if you believe she feels the same about you, why is this even an issue? People have different hobbies, interests, and jobs. Especially when the people involved are fully grown adults, like the two of you.
She will NOT get "more" from being onstage than from being with you, but she will get something different. There is no marriage that I know of where the two people have no outside interests or friends. That’s where trust comes in. If you have it, just relax and go back to being the laid-back person you say you are. If you don’t have it, it is time to explore why you don’t have it. Explore that in your own mind and with her (gently, of course).
But I am taking you at your word. No one is cheating in this relationship, but you have each found other things that are meaningful to you. Just deal.
I hope this helps, and I wish you very good luck and a little peace of mind.
The length of your question tells me you are harboring a lot of negative feelings, even though you say "I can occupy myself"—-by writing a thousand words about your wife’s traveling without you?
I think you should see a therapist.
You are obviously feeling very neglected. What do you two do when you are together to make it special? It sounds like that is missing. Fidelity and love do not keep a marriage afloat.
Wow, she’s gone so much. I’m sure you have the right to feel a little ….hmm…well I guess you could say neglected to a degree, but then again you agreed to it. However, all things considered, I think she needs to consider your feelings a bit more or this wonderful marriage of yours could come tumbling down very soon. Talk to her, she’ll listen. I sure hope you two can work this out, you sound like a really sweet couple. Good luck.
I would like to believe that she’s being faithful, but I think that would be naive. She’s traveling with a rock band for crying-out-loud! There are many women who can easily act innocent when they want to, and play dirty when they want to. She could be one of them.
Doesn’t matter how I feel, you’re not happy with it.
Boy, your a contradiction in terms lol.
Are you jealous of the fact that she is getting lots of attention, or are you resentful that were it the other way round, she would not put up with it?
Where is she being "inconsiderate"? You have given her carte blanche to "have a great life and enjoy the things that fulfil her emotionally". Now she is actually doing it you feel second best.
May I be honest here?
It is one thing to talk the talk etc, but when it comes to doing the walk we start to question ourselves and our decisions. That in itself creates resentment and bitterness, a bit unfair on the other person don’t you think?
You love each other, you are both faithful, and you are complete within yourself, so why the need to ask others how they would feel given your situation? It is irrelevent.
You need to look honestly within yourself, and accept that the adulation and praise from an audience is not the same as that given by a loving partner.
It’s different, but not better, and so long as you have the lions share of her time and attention you have nothing to worry or complain about.
If you feel that you do not, then tell her, the choice is then hers, the band or you.
Did she give you the same ultimatum with your golf?
Touche.
No one cares. Not even her.
You think you’d figure this out by 50.
And your relationship can’t be that that strong ‘both physical and mental’ if you’re soliciting useless strangers emotional opinions rather than talking to your wife.
Consider going with her on a number of weekends to watch her sing.